I understand that his BMT doctor is trying to make the best "informed" decision she can, which may include some waiting on further test results, but I can't help but feel sad, tired, and anxious as I watch my husband get sicker by the day. With every transfusion he receives, more iron builds up in his blood making it harder on his organs. Every day with neutropenia, low white counts and low ANCs he is at risk for infections and fevers. Every day with low platelets he risks bleeding and hemorrhages. While the doctors may be comfortable with the neutropenia and cytopenias, I am not.
Todd went to see his local oncologist yesterday and have his blood drawn. Even though I shouldn't expect higher blood counts, I still hold out the hope that they will be a little better than before. Instead, I can't help but curse when they come back so low. For those of you who follow his counts, his hemoglobin was 7.6, whites at .300, ANCs at .2, and platelets at the threshold for transfusion at 10,000.
I have spent the last few days in tears. I'm sad, frustrated, angry, and exhausted. Todd? He's doing good! He doesn't complain about his fatigue, nausea, or even that he has been inflicted with this disease. He's my inspiration!
For those of you who have been asking about my job search, I don't have much of an update. I haven't even been subbing much lately. I've been so tired from just keeping up with the girls' schedule, homework, helping out with additional chores so Todd can rest more, and trying to be there to go to his appointments. It only took having Todd admitted to the hospital a few weeks ago, for reality to hit me. Getting a full time job right now probably is not the best idea. I go through periods of really wanting to get a job to help with our finances one the one hand but on the other, I realize that I wouldn't be there to help him if I was working full time. Someone would have to go with him to Cleveland and his appointments, but I want to be there to do that. I know his history and can help him more as his wife.
If the right job opportunity came up, I would likely take it, but I haven't even had any calls from the applications and resumes that I have already put out there. I'm convinced that it is going to take someone helping me by word of mouth about a job opportunity, before I'm going to find something. I'm even thinking about applying for secretarial jobs for now.
I'm at the point in my master's program where I need to fulfill my practicum requirement. Some of these practicums offer a stipend or hourly pay. So, I plan on trying to apply for one starting in the summer or fall. Unfortunately, there aren't many places offering them in the area. I may have to approach someplace locally or find a paying practicum that will require me to travel to.
It is really hard to plan anything too far in advance, not knowing how Todd will be or what his treatment will be. When? Where? Home or Cleveland? The same goes with selling the house. I finish my semester March 22. After that I'm hoping to begin working on getting it ready to sell. So, for a few of you who offered to help me clean out and box up, be ready for me to call.
Other financial updates, a The Cleveland Clinic Foundation has once again generously agreed to help with our insurance premiums for two more months. But I'm afraid we've about exhausted their help. Our pastor has called, on behalf of our church, offering some help with utility bills. Several of my mom's friends have generously donated to the Todd Cade Care Fund at PNC bank. And we have someone who blesses us with a gas card almost every month. We are so grateful and flooded with joy at the unexpected and loving gifts from friends, family, and anonymous "angels." I didn't get to share the tears of joy I cried, when I found out that someone helped sponsor Ellie in paying the rest of her volleyball fees, on top of the generous advertisers that helped us. We didn't have to pay anything out of pocket! This sponsor choose to remain anonymous, but if they are reading this post, please accept our deepest thanks and we pray God will bless you for the joy you gave us!
We continue to do our best to be good stewards of every gift. For those who would like to help in other ways we do have a few needs. First, if someone could recommend a family counselor who is willing to take Anthem insurance, we would like to schedule some counseling. Throughout this entire journey, we haven't had the opportunity to get family counseling. This kind of thing would usually be offered to families for free at a Cancer Center that offers social services, but there are none in the Dayton area. The closest center to us is in Cincinnati. Of course, in Cleveland there are several locations of The Gathering Place where patients and family members can receive various services for free.
In addition, I could use a deep tissue message on my shoulders to help relieve stress and keep my sinuses clear. If anyone knows a message therapist who is willing to give me a discount under the circumstances, I would be grateful. Just by sharing this post, it may reach someone willing to help. This is another service that would be free to patients and family members at a cancer social services center, because insurance won't pay for it.
We could also use some help getting some repairs made to our house. We need someone that does a good job on fixing drywall, nail pops, and painting. Todd started a project laying pavers over our back patio concrete that needs finished when the weather gets better. I can't imagine him doing any physical labor anytime in the near future. So, you can help with any of these things starting in March, that would be a blessing.
I'm going to close this post for now. I would like to leave you with the words and lyrics of Jeremy Camp's song He Knows. In an effort not to violate copyright laws, here is the link:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsccUg4TDd8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsccUg4TDd8
God bless
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